Zima Guevarra

"Hey Mommy, what are you staring at? Are you listening, Mom?" "I said, after watching Enteng Kabisote, let us pass by at Dad's favorite record store and buy him a new CD." "Shhhh... All right, Josh...," I whispered. "Mom heard you loud and clear," I replied.

Josh just turned 5 years old last December 25. Those five years of being a Mom to a very handsome, sweet and smart kid is probably the most exciting and fulfilling stage of my life. I'll be 28 years old this Feb. 14. At my age, I can recognize all the anime characters -- from Ghost Fighter to Ragnarok, to Lupin to Mask Ryder. Josh loves watching television and most of the time, I am his TV buddy. Whenever I would arrive home from work, he is always ready with his never-ending stories of what he did at school and what had happened to Mask Rider Ryuki.

Some of my morning rituals, though repetitive, are never boring. I usually wake up at 5AM, take shower, prepare Josh's uniform, and make sure all his stuff are inside his bag including his baon. Then I would wake up his yaya and ask her to give Josh a bath, while I prepare myself for the office. In between putting on my blush-on and lipstick, I would always hear Josh giggling, yelling and making fun of his Yaya Ella. In most times, I would get jealous of Ella, they get along well. Josh is much like his dad, they are both makulit. At his young age, Josh loves listening to music and oftentimes mimics all rockers he sees on MTV. Before Josh disrupted my thoughts about the CD he wished to buy for his Dad, I was in a trance, pondering the first time I met Kelvin...

It was Valentines Day of 1997 when I first laid eyes on him, it was also my 20th birthday then. I found myself sitting alone in one of the waiting sheds of the campus, when I noticed him walking directly to my direction. He was wearing a pair of jeans and a plain white t-shirt. Every stride he made toward my place made me nervous. His good looks and boyish features became too evident as he came closer.

I was so conscious that I stood up and tried to walk away until he called out, "Mariz, wait!" I stood still, thinking, how did this guy whom I never met before know my name?
As I turned my head and looked back, he smiled and uttered, "Happy Valentines". He then handed me a red rose. I smiled back, sat down and we talked. I learned that Kelvin was an admirer, who befriended one of my classmates to get to know me as well.
He confessed that he, together with my classmates, really planned that
particular day -- I found out it was the reason I sat alone, waiting without my usual tropa. We talked for almost an hour -- we were comfortable conversing. I learned that we were both on our junior year, he was taking up ECE while I, Business Ad. We both studied at PLM. Kelvin and I became very close -- he loved poetry and music; I liked cross stitching. He was always the first one to laugh whenever he delivered a joke. As for me, I often laughed at his jokes because he laughed like a gorilla. We became inseparable since the first time we met. Kelvin became the closest person to me aside from my family.
On the eve of my graduation, after more than a year of friendship / courtship, he became my first boyfriend. In 1998, I graduated from college, and Kelvin was on his 5th year in ECE then. I remember during the graduation rites at PICC, Kelvin was hesitant to
come and see me receive my diploma because that will also be the first time for him to meet my family. I forced him though. I introduced Kelvin to my family, oh, I could not forget that scenario. He was so nervous and pale.
June of 1998, I was employed in one of the top corporations in Ortigas, while Kelvin was on his last year in Engineering. At that time, we saw to it that our relationship will not be tested by the temptations of the corporate world and tried our best to fight his insecurity of still "being a student".

Every relationship, as they say, has its ups and downs. Kelvin started to show signs of jealousy and insecurity. We seldom went out on dates, he always had excuses.
Behind all his aloofness, I knew then that he just did not want me to spend money on our dates. His pride was slowly tearing our relationship apart during those times. There were couple of nights I spent crying instead of resting. My co-workers were asking me to give up Kelvin, they insisted that life and love in college was different when starts working in the corporate world.

October 26, 1998, Kelvin's birthday. I surprised him while he and his study group were busy finishing their case study on Microprocessor Clock Speed. I showed up wearing my old college uniform. He was shocked and he stared long at my old uniform, then he embraced me so hard that I raced for my breath.
When he let go, I saw tears in his eyes. He kept repeating how much he loved me and that he was sorry for pushing me away. He confessed that, he was so jealous and insecure that he wanted me to find some other guy that could treat me out in any restaurant I wanted; buy me anything I pleased; or fetch me with nice cars; and shower me with gifts. Then I found myself crying for I never had known then how much I loved Kelvin, until I knew how sensitive he was. How he wished to give me the WORLD, when I only longed for a single red rose.

February 14, 1999, on my 22nd birthday, he gave me one red rose; same as what he gave me when we first met two years before. And I swore then, that was the only thing I wished to receive.
Thursday, April 1, 1999, Kelvin fetched me from work. He bragged all afternoon, he said he will graduate on the 30th, Friday.
He kept on asking me to address him as Engineer Kelvin Regalado. I did. That night, we made love for the first time. It was passionate and unforgettable. April 18, 1999, our 2nd anniversary, Kelvin composed this poem in front of me.

Star shine's bright on a darkest night...
being with you makes every thing right...
here is my heart with love as pure as white…
here are my arms that will hug with all my might…
at the bottom of the lighthouse maybe the darkest,
amidst fears and sorrows…
I'll be abreast atop mountains and hills maybe the loneliest
but if you find yourself there…
close your eyes think of me... I'll be there, my dearest…

Exactly a week before Kelvin's graduation, at around 5:30 in the afternoon, I received a message from my beeper, it was from his younger brother, Jethro. The message said, "Kuya is at PGH, emergency room" I hurriedly jumped into the first available taxi, I was literally crying a river. I was accustomed to be greeted with smiles by Kelvin's family, but that night was different. They were all crying, and I needed not any word from them to know what was happening. Jethro nonetheless, told me the whole story -- The police came to their house and brought them to the hospital because Kelvin was shot in a pawnshop hold-up incident and that his condition was critical.

Jethro narrated that while Kelvin was pawning his necklace which he received from his aunt as an advanced graduation gift, two hold-uppers suddenly showed up and shot both guard and Kelvin. Jethro's last narration dropped like a bomb on my ears. Apparently, Kelvin told Jethro why he wanted to pawn the necklace.

"Alam mo Jethro, ayos tong gift ni Tita, isasanla ko muna, para ipambili ko ng singsing, ako magreregalo kay Mariz sa graduation ko."

April 24, 1999, Kelvin died. Up to now I can't find the words to express how I felt then. April 30, 1999, all of us whom he'd touched, whom he'd shared jokes with; all those who had read his poems, who had heard his songs, were marching not toward PICC for his graduation, but to his funeral. It was the worst breakup. Two months after Kelvin died, I was diagnosed pregnant. I cried and cried until tears rolled out empty. My family spoke no word, they pitied me. I thought they would kill me, be ashamed of me, but that did not happen. Both my family and Kelvin's supported me and showed how much they loved me.

December 25, 1999, instead of humming Christmas songs and crying over the thoughts of not celebrating it with Kelvin, I gave birth to a boy I named Josh. Since then, the happiness that Josh and I share is beyond what his dad could have planned for me. I am no longer particular with dates and time, I don't even wear a watch, and I just make each day with my kid a day to cherish. Each day at the office is an opportunity to give Josh a better life, education and future. It all started with one red rose. And until there is a rose, I will never be hopeless.

"Hey mommy, are you crying?"
"No son. Magaling ba si Enteng?"
"Di ka naman nanunuod, mommy eh."
"Lika na, bili na tayo ng CD para ke Daddy."
"Ayos, Mommy, tiyak mapapagalitan na naman si Daddy ni San Pedro dahil malakas na naman yun kung magpatugtog."
"Di ba Mommy?"
"Opo."